Two Under 2 - Give me Strength

I've been contemplating writing this post for weeks now as I just feel the need to vent.  But with two kids it is REALLY hard to find time for anything other than necessities.  Having two children under the age of 2 is challenging to say the least.  I can understand now why people drink.  I also understand why moms cut their hair short. I have the utmost respect for stay-at-home-moms as most days I am barely hanging on to my sanity.  I had no idea. I mean I knew it would be hard but I wasn't quite prepared for the mental and physical exhaustion along with emotional toll.  I remember back when I worked, there were days I dreamed about being a stay at home mom and all the great things I would do with my kids.  Now I can honestly say that being a stay at home mom is far harder than any day I spent at the office.  But I wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China.

I know several of you are chuckling.  I can hear the comments now "Ya know people have been doing this for a long time, what are you complaining about"?  And I know people do it all the time, so my question is HOW?  How do you do it and keep your sanity, how do you do it and not strangle your children, how do you do it and find time for yourself and how do you do it and maintain a relationship with your husband? These are the questions I am throwing out there in search of answers.  I am all ears.

I know I've painted a pretty rosy picture of life over here.  And for the most part it is pretty grand and I really am grateful for the opportunity to stay at home with my children.  I also count my blessings every night that I have two happy and healthy children. Lately though the challenges of being a full time mom to two little ones is starting to wear me down. So hang with me while I vent a bit.

There are basically two kinds of days here, well three if you consider the weekends which are a whole other story. But lets say during the week while Erik is working there are two.  There are days where we leave the apartment and days we don't.  On the days we actually have somewhere to go (class, playdate, doctor appt).  I am usually up early (after going to bed at midnight and enduring one or two night feedings).  It is a concerted effort to get both kids (and me) fed, dressed, cleaned up and ready to roll by 10am (8:30 if we have class). This also includes lunches prepared and water bottles filled as we don't normally eat out in this country.  That is no small task and I am always surprised and a bit proud when we manage it. But with kids it is all about the schedule as we have to get out early because if you wait too long then it is close to lunch time and nap time and yeah the day is shot and the result is you never left the house and it was a beautiful day.  On our "out" days I try and be back to the apartment in the early afternoon so Alison can nap.  Because without a nap then you are in for a tazmanian devil of a night. I will usually text Erik with status updates so he knows what to expect when he comes home = "NO NAP!"  Maybe that is why he works so late on those nights. Then after a hopefully long nap, it is time to make dinner.  The rest of the night is a blur of serving dinner, eating, play time, bath and kids in bed by 8:30.  After dinner it is an endless list of things to do - laundry, dishes, cleaning, bill paying etc etc.  As exhausting as days out of the apartment are for me, it is nice to be out, visiting with friends, letting Alison play and avoiding dishes for at least one meal.

On the days we are in well it just seems to be endless loop of diaper changes, food prep, feedings, dishes, laundry, grocery store run etc etc.  I know Erik comes home some days and wonders what I did all day as the place is a disaster as I was busy just tending to the needs of the kids. Some days I feel like I never sit down and just enjoy my children and that is what has been troubling me lately.

So seriously how do you do it as I just feel completely tired and frazzled at the end of each day.  Thank goodness for coffee or I probably wouldn't be able to function. And what gets me is that I honestly don't feel like I spend quality time with either child as I am either tending to one or the other or doing dishes or cooking or cleaning or some myriad of other household chores that have to be done.  As soon as Miles is fed he usually gets put down so I can tend to Alison or vice versa. It literally breaks my heart every day as Alison knows when I have my hands completely full (literally and figuratively) and she comes up to me and says "Hold".  If I can I will drop what I am doing and hold her.  But unfortunately she tends to pick the times when I am nursing or putting Miles to sleep or in the throws of dinner prep.  Every day I really miss spending quality time with just Alison.  And please I am not saying that I wish I didn't have Miles, I am just saying it is hard when your time is divided between two.  I know she can sense this.

Some of you would say well the house doesn't have to be super clean every day and I am by no means a neat freak (gave that up after baby #1). But when you live in a tiny apartment with two kids, there is a certain level of orderliness that has to be done or it becomes unlivable.  Also I have a serious aversion to clutter and again with a tiny apartment the place can feel cluttered very easily and that drives me batty.  I want stuff put away and I'm not talking about toys as I have conceded to the fact that there will always be toys in the living room, kitchen, bathroom, bedroom and even my bed at any given time and I am perfectly OK with that.  It is the piles of clothes and just stuff that accumulates when you have a small place and no where to put it. As I write this there are two baskets of clean laundry that have been sitting in the living room for three or four days.  They are mostly the kids clothes that need to be put away but by the time I get around to it, it is night  and I am by no means going to disturb my sleeping children by opening the dresser drawers.  So there they sit, again.

What else?  OK all my SAHM friends/family - how do you not just resent your husbands who get to go off every day and have adult conversations, leisurely lunches and sleep through the night?  And again don't get me wrong, I love and adore my husband and he is a great father but some nights after the 2am feeding I just want to wake him while he lays there snoring away so peacefully with no clue that I have been up for the last hour.  Or why does he get to come home and "play" with the kids when I've been home all day and couldn't manage to find the time to just "play".  And I know he works hard every day and doesn't get a break when he gets home. I can honestly understand why relationships falter after kids as you really have to have a strong foundation to make it work. It seems like your relationship with your husband falls way down on the list of priorities when you have little ones.

I also feel guilty on the weekends as some days I just want Erik to take Alison somewhere so I can have some quiet time and get some things accomplished around the house.  It pains me to know that they are off doing something fun and I am at home vacuuming but that is just the way it is.  Erik always asks me every weekend what I want to do and honestly most days I just want to nap or read a book but I feel so guilty saying so as I feel I should be enjoying time with the family since it only happens two days a week.

I know I am painting a dreary picture and it isn't always so.  Some days are just harder than others.  This week was one of those weeks where life at home was like a roller coaster ride.  One day it is great, the next, I want to run away.  Alison can get pretty whiny when I am not paying enough attention to her. She can be very jealous of Miles and the attention he gets.  I realize that I expect too much of her.  I often have to remind myself that she isn't even two yet and she is doing exactly what a two year old should be doing.  Acting out - wanting my attention, dealing with lots of emotions that she can't yet process.  And she is as stubborn as I am.  A week or so ago she wouldn't take her afternoon nap - instead she decided to stay in her crib and remove every article of clothing and pee in her bed.  She did this two days in a row until I realized she needed me.  Basically it was like she was saying "I'll show you".  Most of the time she is really sweet.

Things I miss:

Sleep

Reading a book (other than a children's book)

Going for a walk

Dates with my hubby

One on one time with Alison

Friends and Family close by

Fast food

A clean house

A hairstyle (other than a ponytail)
Spontaneous getaways

Sleep

Sanity
Exercise
Bike rides

Sleep

Pedicures

Napping

The Beach

On a brighter note, Erik's dad is here and Erik is off for the next two weeks.  We have some fun day trips planned as well as a couple of overnight trips to southern Germany and maybe Italy.  I am looking forward to it and at the same time dreading it.  Vacationing with two children isn't really vacationing if you know what I mean - it is a lot of work.  But nonetheless I am in desperate need of a "holiday" so I will try and make the most of it.

I will write another blog soon about all our adventures over the last several weeks as well as our travels with Grandpa Warm.  We have been keeping busy.  We started a German language class which I have mixed emotions about, we continue to have great playdates with wonderful friends, we enjoyed a fabulous meal at a friends house last weekend.  So I promise to write a more positive posting about all that and more next time.

Until then - send me some sanity and some advice.